Depression and Negativity

I am not a negative person.

Despite my posts on Twitter, I generally try to put out positive energy. I give people the benefit of the doubt. I give people second chances. I try to keep things in perspective. I love to laugh at life. I smile in the rain.

Depression is a horrible affliction to have. Some people have minor cases of it and can handle it. Others, like me, have stronger cases, and it is hard to manage. There are days that I feel like I have a huge gorilla on my chest, and it is everything I can do just to get out of bed. This isn’t a case of just being lazy, or not wanting to get up. This is something that can easily become a stint of being in bed for three or four days and not caring what happens.

I started on anti-anxiety/depression medicine a few years ago, and it has really helped to keep me from spiraling into the bad cases of anxiety and depression. I usually can feel it coming on, and I force my way through it.

Over the last month, I have noticed that it was harder to stop. I’ve had a lot of upheaval in my life. I’ve been beating myself up pretty bad for mistakes that I have made, which certainly doesn’t help. I need to stop doing that and just take life as it comes. I’ve never been good at that. A friend told me that “everything will work out in time.” I know that this is true, but I have the hardest time just letting things happen. I panic and push the issue, which many times ruins a situation.

I know these things make it difficult for people to stand by me, either as a romantic partner or as a friend. I need patience, understanding, the ability to see that I need help, and more. I need people to see the good in me, despite the panicky, depressed exterior. That can be a lot to ask of people, so I usually don’t. I wall myself off so I can’t be hurt or disappointed. I don’t let people in very often. When I do, I am terrified of losing them because it is going to hurt me deeply. This is no way to live.

I wanted to write this to help people understand what is going on inside my head. I hope this helps. I know it has been cathartic for me to do so. If you suffer from depression, ask for help. It isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign that you’re tired of depression running your life and you want the control back.

@stewnami on Twitter

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