It’s been a long time since I’ve used this thing.
Sadly, not a lot has changed. I’m still fighting the two-headed beast of depression and anxiety, and lately, it feels like I’m losing. I’m noticing that anxiety is tightening it’s grip on me like never before. Just going to stores or public places, ramps my anxiety into full gear. These places don’t even have to be busy. Just being out of my safe space and dealing with a car ride get me going, and then the longer I’m out or further from home I am, the worse the anxiety gets. I can literally feel myself wanting to curl into the fetal position. Anxiety has been making a lot of decisions for me, which is never a good thing. I try to fight against it, but I’m already weakened from depression, so there’s not a lot of fight left in me for anxiety.
Depression has certainly made its presence know as well, by running a marathon of doubt and hopelessness through my brain. I keep waking up with the feeling of a 1,000 pound gorilla on my chest, and not feeling like it is worth it to try to get that off of me and get out of bed. I have spent a lot of time in bed in the last month. It’s exhausting.
I started working with a new therapist recently, which has been a good experience so far. I’ve been trying to do the homework she gives me, but I keep finding myself fighting the same thoughts over and over. It’s very frustrating.
I’ve been working on reframing negative and obtrusive thoughts for a while now, but recently came to the conclusion that I’m not really buying what I’m selling. I reframe as much as I can, but am exhausted from constantly having to do that, as well as I don’t see the results that I should be seeing from it. At this point, it feels like I’m just running through the motions.
I wanted to start the new year with hope and a game plan to attack the things that are ruining my life. My therapist mentioned that I should look into filing disability again, so I talked with some lawyers about it. It appears that I can’t re-file, unless my current conditions significantly worsen, or I get a new diagnosis. This all but sapped the little bit of hope I was holding onto. My condition has worsened, but I haven’t been hospitalized(as I am terrified of it, since I’ve heard some not great stories), I haven’t attempted to take my own life(the ideations are there, but I have no want to act on them), and I haven’t been re-evaluated in a while. I’m going to try to talk with my psychiatrist, and hopefully there may be something we can do from there.
To be quite honest, I am in a really bad place right now. I have no want to off myself, but I really just want to not wake up anymore. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of losing. It’s incredibly exhausting and heartbreaking.
I live with my mom, and without her, I’d be incredibly lost. I have no way to support myself, and I don’t qualify for state financial help. I haven’t worked in about 15 years, I have no degree, or real skills. I have no clue what I’ll do when my mom is gone. I’m terrified. I can’t commit to a job, as I barely take good enough care of myself, let alone go work somewhere. I’ve looked into at home work, but it all seems to be customer service or cold call phone work, and has certain hours you must be available. My anxiety makes talking on the phone very very difficult, and the hours the places want me available, I can’t commit too.
If anyone reading this has any idea of something that could help, please feel free to suggest it. As long as it isn’t advice like “pull yourself up from your bootstraps” or “sometimes you just have to do things you don’t want to do” type advice. That is not helpful. If I could just get over it and do things, trust me, I would.
Thank you for reading, and for any useful advice anyone has. I appreciate you all.
@stewnami on twitter